the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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