I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
