What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
