I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
