hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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