Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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