I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My vagina just clenched in fear
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
