I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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