You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you had me at cake vodka
You've changed since you got that strap on
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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