he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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