the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
worst night to have a conscience
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
