So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
