Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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