I puked a lego.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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