I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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