My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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