I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
