you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
