I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
