Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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