We're like a lot better than the average bears
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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