We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
