I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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