can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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