I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
