He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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