I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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