i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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