omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
