She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
