Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
