I'm gonna have a badass scar
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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