So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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