He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
