you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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