Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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