She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
