just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
