Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
