She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
