I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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