Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
