The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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