Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
