I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
