His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
