1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
