I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
