at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
