i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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