I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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