Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
