Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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